On being the Grievor and the Consoler

Two close friends each lost their mothers this last week.

The first call came last Saturday evening. The second call came Sunday afternoon. Each knew death was imminent, and each family was preparing in its own way. Still, the pain of losing someone so close to you is beyond words.

That's part of the reason I'm addressing both the role of the Grievor and the Consoler this week. I'm not sure which is more uncomfortable. It's because Death is such an uncommon routine to most of us. When it happens, we don't know how to act or how to console. Whichever shoes you find yourself in, it's good to have a plan.

Now, my two friends are quite different. One follows religion and the other doesn't. Both, however, are following their own private rituals in order to heal their hearts. I, as the consoler, stayed present and emotionally available for both of them this week.

In the case of my first friend who is an observant Jew, he and his family are finding tremendous comfort in following the rituals of the religion. Judaism has very definite ways by which the deceased is not only prepared for burial, but also mourned following the services. It's from observing these practices myself that I've found it so important to encourage others to explore some branch of organized religion.

People find tremendous comfort in being surround by their family, their friends and their community. Religion--whatever Faith you practice--offers a roadmap toward healing. If you have not explored or recently participated in a religious community, I hope you'll consider it as an option. We are not meant to go through Life alone.

That's why, in the case of my second friend, I encouraged him to organize a memorial service of some kind to celebrate his mother's life. His mother specified that she did not want a burial service, so her children have made private arrangements for her body.

By not having a ritual in place, however, my friend and his sister were left a little uncertain as to how to confront their grief as well as the friends and family who also were feeling the loss. I encouraged them to consider having an Open House Memorial at their mother's home. Just like my first friend who would be surrounded by family and friends who loved his mom and loves him.

"Don't worry about the food," I said. "There'll be plenty of food!" It doesn't seem to matter what culture, what religion, everyone shares the love of comfort food. In both cases, my friends were smothered with love, hugs, good food, old stories, new stories, and their mother's houses were so crowded and noisy that I wondered if their mom wasn't around the corner laughing and crying with the rest of us.

Death is not comfortable--now should it be--for the Grievor or the Consoler, but when the time comes, there's no getting out of it. Neither the Grievor nor the Consoler needs to say much. Sometimes a hug says it all.

Most of all, map out a ritual so that you don't have to improvise while you're in a heightened state of emotion. You don't have to have every detail figured out, but have a framework of a plan in place that will help you and others begin the healing process.

This week, I write in memory of Martha and Corinne--two extraordinary women who influenced my life with their smiles, their good cooking, their passionate approach to life, and most of all, their precious sons who will always be two of my best friends. Hugs Guys!

Good Grief!

Good Grief! I forwarded a link to this new blog out to the http://www.homeboundresources.com/ subscriber base, and received a handful of replies requesting that I remove their names from the list because they were no longer caregivers. One lost her mother, another lost his wife…so heart-wrenching. They collectively said that if I addressed the recovery after the loss, they’d welcome my thoughts. So, this one’s for you guys…

I don’t have to tell you that Attitude is Everything! Sometimes I’ve got it, and sometimes I can’t find it. In the case of my mom, I knew intuitively from the time I was a little girl at the age of eight years old that my mom was likely to die earlier in my life than later. Her health was so fragile, and each year brought a new level of loss to all of us. First she lost the use of her hands, then her ability to live without pain, then her mobility which prompted the use of a urinal and the bedpan.

It wasn’t until I put myself in psychotherapy in my early 30’s that my therapist looked at me and said, “You’re an expert in Loss. You know how to deal with this.”

What a concept! At least in one person’s eyes, I was an expert in the field of Loss. My therapist was correct. Believe me when I tell you that’s a bit intimidating. But, count on Loss to be a certainty, in the same way that we count on Gravity to keep us Earth-bound.

Think of it this way. If you know your Mind, Body and Spirit are about to be flipped upside-down and sideways, how can you best take care of You in order to ride through the Loss you are about to experience.

If you haven’t started with Your Body, let’s start with the basics. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating healthy and regularly? Did you floss today? Did you look in the mirror and give Your Self positive feedback? Words are very powerful tools, and the words you speak to Your Self have a greater impact than the words of other people.

Once I am doing the best I can to care for My Body, then I reflect on My Mind. My best advice is that when I want to be successful at Loss, I do my homework. I feed my Mind with good information that helps me understand what’s coming down.

One might not always have the luxury of time to prepare, but either way, I suggest you try to intellectualize what’s transpiring in your life. Look for successful role models—because YOU ARE NOT ALONE!—who have achieved balance and success in their struggle. Study how they did it. Pick and choose what you think might work for you and give yourself ample time to process, to prepare and to heal.

I personally saved the Spirit for last because I find that when my Body and Mind are nourished, my Spirit follows along more swiftly. I do have friends, however, who have strong Spirits and an unshakable Faith that allows them to move more gracefully through Loss than I do. In addition to Faith, I have one simple prescription for feeding your Spirit.

Look for experiences, words, smells, tastes, opportunities for touch that are energized with light and happiness. After my mother died, I went to the movies to see “Driving Miss Daisy.” Big Mistake! The content of that film made me sob uncontrollably for 20-30 minutes. For several years after that, I was very careful to select books, movies, experiences that gave me a lot of smiles and laughter.

I was raw with emotion when my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and that emotion lasted for several years after she died. Now was my time to take care of me, and I did that by drawing a line in the sand and filtering who and what surrounded me. On hindsight, it took about eight years after my mom’s death before I enlisted the support of a therapist. I encourage you to explore that option sooner rather than later, but most of all, please don’t be reluctant to seek the help of a professional. They have tools to share with you that will accelerate your healing in ways you would never imagine!

If my father’s ready to share his journey, I’ll encourage him to write the next entry on his recovery. After all, I lost my mom, but he lost his life partner, his best friend, his lover, his wife. He was fortunate in that he knew her death was imminent and he made a healing plan for himself for when she died. What’s even more extraordinary about my father is that he had the courage to implement the plan and follow through even when his heart was breaking. He forced himself outside of his comfort zone, to date, to make new friends, and to break into new social scenes. Fast forward 17 years later and he is living one of the most fulfilling times in his entire life! I couldn’t be happier or more proud of having a father with that kind of strength.

If you haven’t found that yet, keep searching. I’m confident you will find it, too!

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And, don't forget! If you're going to experience Grief, think about it with a good attitude. Think, "Good Grief!"