Starting the dialogue...

It’s time to have that talk about Long-Term Care with The Parents.

Don’t be surprised when I tell you that even with my years of experience as a caregiver, I’m still fumbling through some of the fundamentals. Long-Term Care is a good example. I’ve had discussions with my father about the subject, but I now have a new dynamic in my life. I have In-Laws for the first time.

Last August, I married a kooky, wonderful and talented man. My husband and I are polar opposites in many ways. He represents the childhood I never had, and he's like a big kid who still likes to build sandcastles and have pillow fights. This is a man who doesn’t have to have the bed made and the kitchen spotless in order to have a great day. He wouldn't lose precious time that could go toward watching the sunset or going to the golf course.

On the other hand, there's me. I take everything very seriously and while my other half is still responsible, he'll be out the door for a walk on the beach while I'm still folding the laundry. My running joke is that somewhere in the middle of his playful nature and my workaholic personality is a normal person experiencing a healthy balance.

While I value that Big Kid quality for which I married him, my husband also reminds me of a little kid who will go out of his way to avoid talking about the tough stuff. Take, for example, our most recent discussion on Long-Term Care which was prompted by discussions we’ve been having with his brother and my new sister-in-law.

Whether or not this is the right response, it seems that the issue of long-term care leads one to jump to the end-game which is the realization that people eventually die. No matter your age, I can’t think of too many people who want to discuss the end-all, be-all of death. But, somewhere between now and that last breath may or may not be a road that takes us down the path of long-term care.

Let’s add one more layer of complication to the subject at hand: Distance.

As is the case in many families today, the parents live in one area of the country and the children often live in other parts. In our case, we live on opposite coasts, fondly referred to as The East Wing and The West Wing. The East Wing houses our three young nephews, whom I know from personal experience to be a delicious handful and it’s a plane ride for everyone when we go to visit The Parents.

While my husband and I dated for a few years before we tied the knot, it wasn’t until the week of our wedding that we had a semi-serious discussion with my new brother and sister-in-law about long-term care should The Parents require it. It wasn’t until that week and a holiday visit that followed that certain realities sunk in.

Reality #1: My Sister-in-Law explained the overwhelming responsibilities that she and my brother-in-law have in raising their family. To be sure, raising children is an enormous emotional, physical, mental and financial commitment. She shared with me that they are not in a position to provide financial or physical support in the event of a long-term illness.

Reality #2: The Parents have a modest retirement, are in fair health, and do not have long-term care insurance.

Reality #3: The Parents live across the country, so the logistics and cost of care for them has the potential for being a significant burden on us given the position that The East Wing has taken.

Reality #4: Tammy is compelled to raise her concerns with her husband and eventually her in-laws so that we can make an appropriate plan that honors everyone’s resources and capacity.

Here’s where I am today, June 28, 2009. Hubby and I have been chatting for the last several months and he now understands my concerns. He encouraged me to raise them directly with his mother. Fortunately, I have an outstanding relationship with my Mother-in-Law, though I recognize that Long-Term Care is a very delicate subject in any relationship.

My biggest challenge was how to raise the subject with all The Parents. So, here’s what I did. I received some information from work about long-term care insurance and I used that notification as an opportunity to review plans with my own father. Following that discussion, I raised the subject during a call to my Mom-in-Law, sharing with her some of the thoughts my Dad and I had explored together. She's was very receptive and I gave her ample time to contemplate our talk.

Now, we have plans to see my husband's parents in person this summer. We’ve already set the stage for continuing this dialogue with them at that time. I’ll let you know how that goes, and in the meantime, I would really welcome your thoughts and ideas on making this a successful outcome for everyone concerned.